What do I want to be?
In this reflective piece, I explore a long-held pattern rooted in childhood, the moment a simple question stopped me in my tracks, and the unexpected answer that emerged: light. A story about sensitivity, self-minimization, choice, and the quiet power of redefining who we are becoming.
1/30/20262 min read
I’ve been consciously working on myself for almost two decades now. And still, some patterns from my less-nourishing childhood show up regularly. One of the strongest ones is this sentence living quietly inside me: “I don’t want to be the problem.”
Growing up, I heard – directly or indirectly – that I was too sensitive, too emotional, the one who reacted “too much,” the one to whom things always happened, the only one who wasn’t satisfied with the offered “support.” It slowly shaped a belief that I was THE problem. And even today, this belief appears in many forms. One of the most familiar ones: I struggle to communicate my needs. I rarely ask for help. I minimize myself so I won’t be inconvenient. Living as “not the problem” meant constantly shrinking myself, tiptoeing around others, and holding back my true feelings to avoid being a burden.
Recently, this pattern surfaced again. I felt I am left alone in a huge project, where I should be rather a coordinator than a one-man-army. I shared my frustration with someone close to me, and as they asked me why I don’t tell it to the managers, I said out loud, “I don’t want to be the problem.” Then I was immediately asked an unexpected question: “What do you want to be instead?” It stopped me completely. I couldn’t answer it at that moment. I loved that question. It is simple, logical, and somehow, I had never asked myself that before, although it fits my hardcore positivity. I brought it with me; I thought a few kilometers of running might help. Then, suddenly, the answer arrived as unexpected as the question before – not even while running. I want to be light.
Not as a savior or in a religious sense. Rather as presence. I want to be light that gives others sparks for their own transformation. Light, that helps people find their way. Light, that highlights the positive in anybody, anything, and any situation. Light, that lights up the mood and offers hope. And I want to make the transformation lighter for others – to play with the word. Embracing the idea of being “light” feels expansive and freeing, a way to step into my power and share hope, instead of hiding away. It’s the difference between holding myself back out of fear and showing up with intention and openness.
And how am I supposed to be light? – by being a coach and a motivational speaker.
This answer is a grounding change. Because “not being a problem” is still defined by fear and negativity. And being light is defined by choice. And maybe that’s what healing slowly looks like: From fighting old identities turning to consciously choosing who we want to be instead.
So, I’ll leave you with the same question that interrupted me so beautifully: If you’re not here to be the problem, what do you want to be?